Re: Management Lesson

Management Course

Lesson 1: 

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. 

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. 

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor 

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.' 


After thinking for a moment, the woman says, "promise me this will just be between you and me and no one else will know."

Bob says, "yes you have my word on it."  So she drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.

After Bob took his time looking over her naked body he opens his wallet and hands her 8 $100 bills and leaves. 


The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes upstairs. 

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?' 

'It was Bob, the next door neighbor,' she replies.  He ask for you and I told him you were in the shower.
Oh OK,' the husband says. " Did he happen to say anything about $800 he suspose to pay me back this week?" 

Moral of the story: 

If you share critical information with your partner pertaining to the credit you have advanced others,

you may be in a position to avoid unnecessary perusal of your personal assets. 

Lesson 2: 


A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister, but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily 

and went on her way. 

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.

It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.' 

Moral of the story: 

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity. 



Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. 
They rub it and a Genie comes out. 
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone. 

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.' 

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4: 

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. 

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. 

Moral of the story: 

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be very, very high up. 

 
Lesson 5:  

A turkey was chatting with a bull. 

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. 'They're packed with nutrients.' 

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree. 

Moral of the story:

Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.. 

Lesson 6 


A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. 

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. 

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. 

The dung was actually thawing him out! 

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. 
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. 
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him. 

Morals of the story: 
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy. 

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your
friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep
your mouth shut! 

THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE 

The Different types of Bitches as told by the Third Grade

This list was found by a third grade teacher while cleaning her room. It's amazing that just about all bitches fit into one or more of these categories...

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars.  See If They Slow Down.. 
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice! 
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.. 
4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks.  Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write 'For Marijuana'.
6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get. 
7 Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face. 
8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'. 
9. Sing Along At The Opera. 
10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache. 
11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!' 
12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling  'Run For Your Lives!  They're Loose!' 
13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

And The : 

Final Way

To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

Rooster Broth Fail

Re: From the Fail Blog

These never Get old

Halloween Costume Fail

Jump Fail

'Cuz we all look alike Fail

Christmas cheer Fail

Coloring Book Fail

Facebook Friend Approval Fail

Naming Fail

Looking for Love in the wrong place Fail

Protesting Fail

SouthPark Fail

Theft Fail

Google Maps Fail

Re: You have got to be kidding me Seinfeld's Festivus is really celebrated...

(CNN) -- Long before company celebrators bench-pressed fax machines, partygoers performed competitive face-plants into ice water, or family members gathered around an aluminum pole to wield complaints at one another, the common people of ancient Rome began to act up.
They were the unruly lot during official religious holidays, the ones who were "raising hell on the streets" while the "elite were putting on their robes," said journalist Allen Salkin. The adverb to describe their behavior, he said: Festivus, the Latin world for "festive."
A few thousand years later, and thanks to a "Seinfeld" writer whose father had made Festivus a quirky household tradition, a 1997 episode of the famed sitcom popularized the peculiar day.
To hear it from Frank Costanza, the character played by Jerry Stiller, the December 23 observance calls for little more than the erection of an aluminum pole, the airing of grievances and the demonstration of feats of strength -- which preferably culminate in wrestling down to the ground and pinning the head of the household.
"People want something that's nothing," said Salkin, author of "Festivus: The Holiday for the Rest of Us," a book that chronicles the birth and flourishing of this oddly sacred day. "All the traditional holidays exclude somebody," but with this one, "everyone's in on the joke."
Show us how you celebrate Festivus
The Festivus faithful have gathered across the globe and have come together in places as various as seedy bars, campus squares and corporate boardrooms. Citizens, with varied degrees of success, have petitioned to raise Festivus poles beside public nativity scenes. Social networking sites and holiday-specific venues -- like festivusbook.com and festivusweb.com -- are go-to places for those who want to share the cheer, or jeers.
For at least eight years, Julianne Donovan, 35, has been hosting Festivus parties in the Kansas City, Missouri, area. The graphic designer and illustrator said she was drawn to the holiday when her then-company department, which included people of various faiths, decided to trade in the traditional Christmas party for something more inclusive.
"It went over well except for one person who thought it was blasphemous and tried to knock over our Festivus pole," she said. "He refused to come to the potluck, was forced to, came, ate all the food and left without saying thank you. Grievances were aired about him."
At her parties, which happen when she feels like throwing them -- perfectly fine, according to Salkin, because "There's no pope of Festivus; you make up whatever rules you want" -- people jot down their grievances and stuff them in the pole. They complain about parking tickets, the economy and their spouses, she said. One of her favorites in recent years read like this: "What's up with the dude in the white shoes? It's way after Labor Day."
People exchange gifts they've received and don't want. Dickies, random hair extensions and shoe-shining kits from the '70s are always appropriate, she said. And feats of strength generally involve thumb-wrestling (costumes for thumbs included) and timed competitions to see who can submerge their face in ice water the longest or hold 3-pound weights to the side for the greatest stretch of time.
"As the hostess," Donovan made clear, "I cheat."
Getting in on the fun in recent years is a stairway railing company called Wagner, based in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Tony Leto, who heads sales and marketing, saw an article about Festivus that Salkin wrote in The New York Times in 2004, a precursor to his book, and thought cutting up pipes to make aluminum holiday poles would be an easy -- and fun -- side business. Thus was born festivuspoles.com, an outfit that's answered thousands of requests for the nonsectarian celebratory metal.
Leto said he's received orders from troops in Afghanistan and people living in Australia, though he's advised across-the-globe customers who can to simply stroll into their local hardware stores and ask for pieces of pipe. When the company sent Wisconsin Gov. Jim Doyle a Festivus pole in 2005, he put it up in the executive residence. Today it appears in the state's historical museum.

Festivus isn't the only wintertime holiday to be introduced to the masses by television. Fox's "The O.C." brought us "Chrismukkah" in 2003 and continued the holiday throughout the teen drama series' run. Chrismukkah was an answer to the winter holiday dilemma for interfaith families.

http://www.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/12/23/festivus.holiday/index.html

Re: Fridge notes left in the Office Kitchen

This actually had me laughing out loud...who does this?!